dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
