my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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