I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
