you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
