Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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