Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Randomize
