I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
