I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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