I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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