Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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