I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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