If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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