hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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