Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
