Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
