**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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