Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
