Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
