Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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