i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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