No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i now understand why vodka
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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