The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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