Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
