I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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