I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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