If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
