I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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