Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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