I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
