He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize