My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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