You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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