I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
