I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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