My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
