im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
