drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
