Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize