textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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