I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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