seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
