Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
