Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
