Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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