i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
