You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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