Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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