When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
