I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
