Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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