Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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