just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
is wine microwaveable?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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