WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
