the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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