Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
smell my finger.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
