dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize