The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
