i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
