Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize