he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
