HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
